One Beard to Rule Them All

*UPDATED March 1, 2008 with Voting Results*

I have grown many different beards in the last 5 years. In fact I have now grown 5 beards with the longest being my current one which I started approximately 1 year ago. Despite all this I still don't consider myself one of those "beard guys" that has a beard for the rest of his life. I imagine that I will shave this one some day only to grow a new one later. Kind of like the circle of life, the beard cycle is ongoing and never really ends. Each stop in that cycle is unique and needed. I have sported each of the following for some period of time.

Naked Face (4 votes 12%)

This is the one that I was born with. Not much to say about it since just about anyone can not have a beard. As my Mother points out, this is how she pictures me when she thinks of me. Since I have sported this for 20+ years of my life would I need to sport a beard for that long to get my Mom to change her mental image of me?

Thin "Cool" Pseudo-Beard (2 votes 6%)

This is the kind of beard that people grow in less than a month and then go around bragging about the beard they grew during spring break or something. Yes it is one step above scruff, but I am not sure that I can pass it off for full beard status. Still girls usually like this kind, but FYI ladies this one is still scratchy like the stubble. I guess I look pretty cool though.

Gentlemanly Beard (4 votes 12%)
This is achieved after at least a month of keeping it real. It resembles a classical boxed beard. What makes this gentlemanly is the upkeep it requires. It may not look like it, but this puppy is trimmed at least twice a week and not just for length. There is edging and maintenance going on along the sides. The hair on the head is also not at an extreme length. All in all it conveys a sense of independence and rebelliousness while maintaining some degree of cleanliness and organization. This is the current status of my beard.

Big and Bushy (3 votes 9%)

Ok, here I am starting to let it all go out. This is more like the real deal. A bit like a lumberjack or other sort of mountain man. I have often been tempted to really just let this go, you know, explore the space. See if I could get some sweet Gandalf length beard. It gets pretty bushy, but even at this length I have not found anything nesting in there. Not yet!

Hippie Beard (4 votes 12%)
Ok so this one is pretty much just like the Big and Bushy except that my hair is longer. Neither scissor nor razor touched my head in over 10 months for this one. It was a fun journey. Even my Bishop's wife said I looked like I hippie from the 60's. When I replied like that was a good thing she quickly pointed out that no it wasn't and that those hippies were indeed filthy. So she pretty much called me filthy.

Small Chops (0 votes 0%)

So normally you don't hear about any small chops. I agree. These are pretty small chops. They are just long enough to no longer be side burns, but not long enough to be really much else. Next time I give this one a try I'll do better I promise.

Period Piece Beard (0 votes 0%)

To everyone that ever saw me with my beard and told me I should be in a church movie, well your dream came true...for me. After wearing a thin man's beard I was approached by someone to be an extra as a pioneer in a movie about Joseph Smith. Apparently they couldn't find any men in Provo where the film studio was located (I assume they meant to say bearded men). Basically they took my beard and turned it into thin mutton chops connected by a moustache (I am told this makes them friendly mutton chops). They then slicked my hair back telling me they wanted me to be one of those devilishly handsome 1800's guys (ok so they slicked everyone's hair back).

Full Goatee (1 vote 3%)

To be honest I have always kind of criticized guys who just put on a goatee. No one goes to a restaurant just to order an appetizer. Why not go for the whole thing? Still goatees are a nice transition from beard to clean shaven. Plus, for a brief moment people will think you are really different and original and then they will remember that every guy grows a goatee thinking that they are the only one who has discovered something cool. If you must I suggest making it a big bushy one. Those add quite a bit. I am pretty sure it is the kind that Evil Spock wore.

Hulkster (0 votes 0%)

I think that this look (and variations thereon) was made famous by Hulk Hogan, hence the name I have given it. This is often mistaken as a handlebar moustache. Not so, but close. Anyway this one was mostly an experiment of mine. I only wore it for 1 day. I think I could do a better job, but first I need to work on my 24 inch pythons.

Seasonal Beard (1 votes 3%)

Well here I am sporting the big and bushy again (pretty hippie like too with the long hair), but notice the hat? Perhaps my beard is best saved for the holidays or winter season. This picture has been used for some Christmas cards every year since it was taken 4 years ago.

Southern Dandy (Winner 8 votes (25%)

I have also called this one the Civil War General and the Don Quixote. I am tempted to grow it out to a full blown Van Dyke some day. I'll be honest with you all, this is possibly my favorite variation in the beard cycle. I don't know why, but it sure is fun. If I had gone down the art road I would totally be wearing this all the time. Expect a return of this in the not too distant future.

Socially Awkward Moustache (5 votes 15%)

Here is where almost beard cycles end. The original flava sava. There is something so funny about a single young man with a moustache. It just seems to make everyone around you a little hesitant. They think to themselves "Why on Earth does this guy have a moustache?" and they think that you must be up to something. I have never worn one longer than a month I think.

Its quite the amazing journey isn't it? Before I leave for the holidays I wanted to post a new poll as I am sure my last one has left you all anxious for the next. So now I will put it to all of you to decide which is the best or most suitable look for me. Who knows you may just influence the next evolution in the beard cycle. The poll should be easy to find on the right side of my blog, just below my profile. Happy voting. I leave you now with some of my favorite beard quotes.

"He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man."

-William Shakespeare in "Much Ado About Nothing"

"Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as beards) disagreeable to nearly all females-and there is more in that than you might suppose."

-Screwtape to Wormwood in "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis

It is worth noting that this quote comes from a senior devil, Screwtape, discussing with his junior devil, Wormwood, the best ways to ensnare and damn man. Screwtape explains that the reasoning behind making beards less attractive in modern society with this "The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely." So think about that one ladies.

"There is always a period when a man with a beard shaves it off. This period does not last. He returns headlong to his beard."

-Jean Cocteau

"Chins without beards deserve no honor"

-Spanish Proverb

" There is great truth in Alphonse Karr's remark that modern men are ugly because they do not wear their beards."

-George Augustus Henry Sala