Knowing that all geneticists dream of the day when cloning dinosaurs becomes a reality, a friend of mine directed me to this list of "Deadly Dinosaurs" for my consideration. The list starts out pretty promising, but fails miserably in the end leaving me to wonder if I should consider anything this list has to offer when I contemplate my futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. Here's what they consider the "deadly dinos":
-Tyrannosaurus Rex
This is a good start. The original "King of the Jungle" or really any terrain type. This really belongs on the top of just about any dinosaur related list except for the following: lame dinos, sissy dinos, well-mannered dinos, nerdy dinos, and "think-first-then-bite" dinos. I would put the T. Rex up in a fight against anything if I was running some sort of futuristic cage fight where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques and used to fight one another. In fact this is pretty much the only thing worse or deadlier than a tyrannosaurus rex.-Majungasaurus crenatissimus
So I have never heard of this one before. Looks like an ornery fella. Apparently this dinosaur was a cannibal, that is it would eat its own kind. How do we know this? So in some fossilized bones of this kind, dino tooth marks have been found that match the exact dimensions of a fellow Majunga-whatever's jaw. If thats true I guess that makes him pretty vicious. Kind of like a Hannibal Lecter. He usually makes it near the top of all time good villains lists so I guess that makes this dino pretty deadly. Of course Hannibal was always a little too artsy fartsy to be really deadly if you ask me.-Eocarcharia dinops
Another one I have never heard of before, but this is a pretty bad looking dude. It has some sort of horny covering over its eyes. Looks to me like something from a monster movie or video game or something. The artists rendition makes it look pretty deadly and its name means "fierced-eyed dawn shark" so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.-Masiakasaurus knopfleri
So the one thing this guy has going for him as far as deadly is concerned is some unique dentistry. It's front teeth actually stick out or forward rather than straight down. This virtually equips it with a mean spear like mouth. Thats pretty deadly. Unfortunately these guys were only about 6-7 feet long essentially making them the "punt dogs" of the prehistoric past. So if you were a smallish fish or rodent look out, otherwise you probably don't have to bother.
-Mapusaurus roseae
Looks a lot like T. Rex to me. In fact it is about the same size (maybe bigger), but get this, Mapusaurus may have hunted in packs! A pack of T. Rex wannabes is pretty deadly. Of course T. Rex did it alone. Still can't fault them for idolizing a pro. Mapu gets a bonus for being from what would become Argentina and possibly hunted everyone's favorite game, the Argentinosaurus. Kind of like a prehistoric gaucho.-Falcarius utahensis
So everyone was a little saddened to learn that those terrible thunder lizards of the past became the little songbirds and pigeons of today. Dinos don't seem quite as monstrous in that light, but its probably true. Here is a bird like relative of the velociraptor. Wow a relative of the raptor! This must be one deadly fellow if it is on here and not the raptor. Wrong! Apparently this dino's teeth had shrunk to leaf cutting size and it had an expanded gut presumably for eating vegetation. It may have still eaten meat. Thats cool right? Still deadly right? Seriously why are you putting such a thing on a list of deadly dinos and then telling me it may not have even hunted. Or even eaten any kind of meat. Not to mention that it is a cousin to the mean, pack hunting velociraptors and you include it over them. They can freakin' open doors! No getting away from them. Yet this carrot chewing yahoo is somehow deadlier.-Gryposaurus monumentensis
Yes thats a duckbill dinosaur. Its kind of like a giant cow from the past. Are these guys even trying? It made their list because it "could have eaten any vegetation it stumbled across." You know that elusive, hard to conquer kind of vegetation. The kind that takes a real professional killer to bring down. This is like calling a blue whale the most deadly animal on the planet today because it eats so much krill. Defenseless krill. If you had to put a vegetarian dinosaur (an herbivore as the pros say) on this list why not put one that had horns on its head or spikes on it tail or something even remotely deadly. Even one of the headbutting dinos. But this? A duckbill. Come on! So I hope you can see why I was frustrated with the list. It had a strong start, but a disastrous finish. Needless to say whenever I get around to meeting that rich, eccentric, old man that wants to give me a bunch of money to build a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques I will not be cloning the majority of the ones on this list unless I need something to feed to my T. Rexes and Raptors.
On the bright side I think that with this post I am one step closer to really using the internets for what it was for; ranting and complaining about unimportant and inane topics. What an age to be alive.
5 comments:
Hold up, Hold up...A duck bill and a prehistoric parrot make this list, but a raptor does not? The whole point of deadly dinos is that would be a beast so ferocious and awe inspiring, that only the predator himself would dare hunt one down! Send me in a ring with that duck bill and I'd walk out 2 minute later with a KO on old school donald. I honestly did not realize how upset I would be over this when I read it. Especially the way it was presented. Starts strong, adds some interesting new players (that sketched one looks mean, and while small, that little dentist's nightmare guy looks like he could do some serious damage. It's like a knife fight combined with headbutting, a novel combination!) But then we get to Parrot dino that may or may not have hunted anything more than folliage and weeds! HOW IS THAT DANGEROUS...HE HAS NO TEETH! AND THE LIST EVEN MENTIONS IT BEING A COUSIN OF THE RAPTOR! That's like saying "Doug Ali was the younger cousin of Muhammad, but he makes the top ten hardest hitters of all time DESPITE BEING BORN WITHOUT ARMS" Holy crap! When Tom engineers dinos, I'm going to insist that he generates a duck bill, just so I can punch it in the face, and then I'll throw the KOd Duck Bill in the raptor cage with the author of this list with the comment "How bad can it get, those raptors aren't even in the top 7 of deadliest dinos, just hide behind donald and tell him that the raptors taste like brussel sprouts"
You forgot that Masiakasaurus knopfleri is named after Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits. So in addition to the teeth, he could slay with a killer guitar lick. I'd say Sultan of Swing can go head to head with TRex.
That makes me think - while you are at it, you might as well clone a bunch of Knopflers to perform during halftimes of your cage fights.
I totally forgot about the Dire Straits connection. Bonus points to needle mouth. I'd be happy if more dinos were named after rock and roll heroes and I would be happy to clone them (the dinos and rock and roll heroes). Instead I'll probably just look at some enzyme's biochemical pathway. Thats real science for ya.
Or wait, how awesome would it be if you could somehow cross genetic clone the dino to have the sweet Dire Straits killer chops on the guitar? Man that would be cool.
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